The white
phantom ships of dawn sail into the
harbours of a thousand imprisoned minds and release strings of foul
mockeries from blistered bow to shredded sail. Of all the passions they
invoke, shame is the loveliest, the mystery to the righteous, the
all-consuming demon of the misguided.
I know not whether Laws be right,
Or whether Laws be wrong;
It is mainly the misguided that dwell here. Not
so much dwelling as
slinking into a dark nothingness that invades their minds and the
reeking cells they inhabit. It is a place where bones wither to dust,
blood seeps from open wounds and wide, unblinking eyes gaze from hollow
sockets. A sense of sadness so complete that you could choke on it
fills the air with its rank odour, made more palpable by the fact that
after so many years, use and old age make the prisoners accept these
bars, and they begin to need them.
All that we know who lie in gaol,
Is that the wall is strong;
Azkaban has made him hollow.
Great shadows linger underneath painfully sharp
cheekbones, and
underneath eyes that have seen too much. Nobody looks in his eyes any
more, but if they did they would see a frightening sheen of
guardedness, a barrier put in place by a soul that was broken years
ago. They were coloured once. They flashed proudly, narrowed in
distaste and glinted with mischief, but not any more. Even he has
forgotten their shade. Matted hair was once bright but all that was
coloured has faded to lead, as everything diminishes into the same
horrific grey.
There is just nothing there.
A bird circles outside the window and a skeletal
arm grasps the bars
to haul itself up. The outside world tastes of the sea, of ships and of
freedom, of waters of iron that lash against rocks and malevolent
clouds scudding across a war torn sky. The wind suddenly howls with a
shrill chorus of demented noise and tears the bird from the air. It is
thrown towards the land and he almost feels the thud of its lifeless
body as it hits the rocks. There is another thud as he falls to the
floor, his limbs trembling, his muscles shivering with weakness and a
cold he doesn't consciously feel.
One of his fingers sticks out at a crooked angle,
broken. Broken,
broken, broken. A record of his days, his mouth moving without sound,
forming the words that ring around his own head without cease.
One skeletal hand reaches up to grasp the iron
bars of its prison.
One skeletal fingertip tastes the air.
One skeletal face moves into the single,
diminishing shaft of sunlight.
It catches on hair that is so thick with dirt and
dust that it looks
brown. For the most fleeting of seconds, a flash of colour erupts where
once hung the flawlessness of youth. The head ducks and the sunlight is
left to gleam elsewhere. Not that this meagre light would be referred
as sunlight by anyone anywhere else. It has no warmth or vibrancy,
Azkaban does not allow that. The mere presence of the place is enough
to drain the colour from the sun and the heat from its glare.
No. There is no brilliance or lustre that which
makes the dust motes
dance. It is a cold light, a pallid light, fitting to illumine the
dankest cells where the most detested of prisoners rot.
And that each day is like a year,
A year whose days are long.
One touch is all that is left in the withered
remains of a memory.
The thought of one touch, one breath, one stolen kiss that seemed like
it would be the beginning of many. Thousands of opportunities seemed to
stretch out ahead, a lifetime seemed endless and a second melted into a
century with the ticking of a cacophony of clocks to mark the time.
There was one touch, and then nothing. The other
memories have all
gone. Faded. Sucked greedily beneath a Dementor's hood to feed the
rotten flesh that lingered there.
One touch of his hand on his skin.
That moment he can recollect with perfect
clarity, although he does
it rarely, for fear of losing it to darkness. All he has now are
nightmares, and in such abundance that his every moment of slumber is
plagued with cold sweat and an icy terror so abiding it creates a
winter in his heart and draws from his body that which would have been
surrendered in a Kiss.
That's what Azkaban does to you.
Some lose their love when they are young,
Some when they are old;
He wrinkles up his nose at the sudden smell and
closes his ears to
the sounds of screaming and tongueless muttering. As soon as he stepped
across the threshold, he had shivered uncontrollably at the colour of
death that laces the air and his knuckles grip his wand so hard they
were white. His hand runs nervously through his hair, it has been a
long time since he was here, and each time is more dreadful than the
last. He has watched the faces of the prisoners as he moves past the
cells, they grow more wearied with each visit, the light of defiance
visibly fading from the blank eyes that stare back at him.
A Dementor turns to him, drawing a long, rattling
breath and
motioning towards a small chamber. He steps through, his eyes never
leaving that strange, fleshless creature. It closes the heavy door with
a snap that makes him jump.
"Hello, Draco." A hoarse voice from the shadows
startles Draco and
he raises his wand immediately. The face that emerges is void of any
emotion, but still there is a strange familiarity about the features
which have been so wasted.
"Holy shit," he cries in surprise, beholding the
person before him,
before coughing apologetically. "Sorry, Potter, but you look..." he
trails off, unable to finish. Harry looks so much worse than the last
time he saw him, all protruding bones and grey skin, "how are you?"
"Alive, still alive, always alive," Harry
mutters, wringing his
hands and sitting hesitantly on a stone bench. "The Boy Who Lived Who
Cannot Die," he says in the same distant voice that Draco has only
heard him use once before. Draco sits down uneasily, his heart
rupturing as his eyes travel over the face he had once so wildly
worshipped, and the lips he had once so madly kissed. He takes a deep
breath,
"I'm here because the trial happened on
Wednesday," he says, only
slightly surprised to see very little reaction in Harry. That is the
way he is now.
"Wednesday?" Harry repeats the words as though it
is of some long forgotten tongue.
"The Wizengamot watched through the pensieves of
Weasley and
Creevey," Draco says quietly, his voice heavy and laden with sadness,
"stupid bastards. They only saw one half of the picture."
"Half of the picture," Harry repeats vacantly. He
is looking at
Draco, whose figure, to the prisoner, seems to distort itself in and
out of view. Eyes that are made hazy by fatigue and sorrow see only
half a person at a time, now the bratty boy he had known at Hogwarts,
now the solemn man whose mind, as ever is unfathomable. Harry flicks
between these facets, unable to separate the two, unable to strike a
contrast. They are one and the same, everything is the same, everything
is fading.
"Am I murderer or victim?" he asks, with a look
so reminiscent of
his own self that Draco stares at him, as though trying to see the boy
he had loved.
"To them?" he asks, shaking his head. "Still a
murderer." His voice
is full of regret. He has spent a week arguing with the Wizardgamot.
They have compiled evidence, a body count and a need to be seen doing
something, and with it they have sentenced Harry to life in this
purgatory.
"Murderer, cold blooded murderer," Harry murmurs,
the light
dwindling in his eyes again. "My blood is so cold it freezes, I must be
a murderer."
"Harry," Draco sounds distressed so he bites his
lip, "stop it, stop talking," he snaps, more harshly than he intends.
"Why do you come here?" Harry asks suddenly, his
mouth curling into accusation.
"I wanted to see you."
"I'm all alone here, Draco, all alone," Harry
says. "Why don't they believe me?"
"Nobody saw Voldemort possess you," Draco
answers, as gently as he
can, "it looked to everyone as though you were acting of your own
volition. All anyone saw was you killing all those people,"
"Why do you keep trying?" Harry asks, suddenly
defeated, all pride
wrenched from his soul and all dignity lost to the rats that gnaw at
the bleeding flesh that's left on his body. "Why don't you give up on
me like everyone else?"
"I believe you," Draco says softly. A stream of pallid sunlight
drifts ephemerally through the high, round window and illuminates them
with its cold glow. Harry looks up at it, wincing as if such feeble
light hurt his eyes. They remain trapped in the lone beam of light
whilst everything around them is darkness and despair.
"No-one believes me any more," Harry murmurs.
"I do," Draco lays one tentative hand on his
shoulder, but Harry snarls suddenly and turns like some feral animal,
"Liar!" he yells, grabbing Draco by the throat
and hurling him into
the wall. "You hate me, Draco, why do you come here? To taunt me?" his
fingers are as thin as bones but wiry and strong and they close around
Draco's neck, as he scrabbles against them fearing them as much as the
unbalanced look that appears in Harry's eyes. He is suddenly not
himself and some wild, abused animal is clawing out at the world that
has so tortured him.
"Let go, Harry!" Draco splutters, managing to
throw Harry off. The
young man is so thin and weak that he crumples brokenly against the
wall and sinks to the floor. Draco stares at him, rubbing his neck and
breathing hard. He has seen Harry act like this before, when it has all
become too much, he should have expected it, every time he sees him he
loses him a bit more.
Harry is so pale and white. His skin is
practically diaphanous, the
strange lines of blue veins shining through their pellucid veil like
rivers of blood.
"Do you want to hurt me?" he asks, shielding his
face from Draco and
the sun. He takes up so little space when curled against the floor like
that. Draco feels his heart rate returning to normal, and bends down,
prying Harry's arms away from his face like a child.
"I believe you, Harry, I'm trying to help you,"
he croaks, and lifts Harry's chin so that Harry is looking right at him.
"What are you doing?" Harry asks in a voice
barely more than a whisper. There is something there in his
eyes, something real, alive. Maybe Harry isn't gone after all.
"Giving you something to hold on to," Draco says,
closing the
distance between their lips and pressing a soft, insistent kiss on
Harry, his tongue flitting to brush cracked skin before Harry responds
and melts into Draco like a wave breaking over a beach. The wind
howling outside quietens suddenly and Harry's knotted hands reach up to
touch Draco's silken hair. Draco lets him touch him, taste him and
drink him to the core of his soul. Harry breathes from him the strength
of the world outside and for a fleeting second he is back in Hogwarts
on the Astronomy Tower and they are kissing like teenagers. Harry
returns to himself and to lucidness, his mind clearer than it has been
in weeks.
"I promise I'll get you out of here," Draco says
as they part, and
Harry believes him, his heart soaring into his throat, his eyes
brimming with unshed tears. He nods once and Draco leaves.
Some strangle with the hands of lust,
Some with the hands of gold;
Harry now has something else to hang on to. One
more memory
unstained by the Dementors. His miseries and wretchedness rise and fall
in an oblivious host, shades of love and death, tossed among shadows
and thrown into pits of despair. But still there is the kiss, the one,
perfect kiss, and the memory of Draco. It will keep him alive, he knows
it.
It takes only one kiss to free his soul from
torment.
But it takes only one kiss to free him from his
soul.
Later, as the Dementor lifts its hood and Harry
beholds the gaping
sockets over which are stretched scabbed mockeries of skin, he screams
as he has never done before. The other prisoners are screaming too, a
terrifying chorus of noise and fear that rises into the air to hang for
a moment as a testament to the terror of Azkaban and of the
imprisonment of a man.
Draco is in Harry's mind as his lips are forced
open.
Draco is in Harry's mind as his soul is wrenched
from his body.
Who could have known that all of this would
result from one kiss?
The kindest use a knife, because
The dead so soon grow cold.
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